I'm Actually NOT The Know It All I Let On To Be.
Hi Ya’ll! Oh damn, don’t shoot me! I haven’t posted in like… A year! In my defense, a lot has happened in the past year, A LOT! The main reason I haven’t posted is due to my heart just not being into it, I’ve basically had writers block. In the last week I’ve been extremely emotional, especially around my love life. One of my sister friends, blames it on the retrograde having everyone on an emotional whimsical. I think it’s a lot more than that though. Keep reading and you’ll see why.
Did I ever tell you guys how I thought I was in love with a man for the last ten years? No? hmmm… I guess I forgot to mention it. This will definitely explain why I’ve ghosted a lot of men and seemed extremely uninterested in my male peers all throughout my undergraduate career… Yep, cats out of the bag, there was someone. Someone I would have given my right arm and leg for. Nope, I was not a stuck-up b*tch, I just honestly couldn’t get passed HIM, which meant I couldn’t see anyone else.
Last night we had a huge argument about the same one and only thing we’ve argued about the last ten years: his lack of effort, emotion, and commitment and my nagging about his lack of effort, emotion, and commitment, even though I’m not a nagger. Last night, I begged him to erase me completely from his life as I usually do, because I’ve always been too weak to do it myself. It is literally an endless cycle. Everything will be fine. Ill do my usual ass kicking routine of school, work, farmers market with my gfs, hiking, blogging, giving speeches in front of elected officials, keeping my coils moisturized, etc. Then I’ll stupidly miss HIM and make contact. I’ll get sad and down in the dumps because of his lack of attentiveness and his plethora of excuses as to why he is not attentive. I’ll start thinking “maybe I’m not good enough, maybe there is someone else, or maybe I just need to wait a little longer”, but bruh, what’s longer than ten years!
Last night I went to bed extremely depressed. Tons of snot and tears, you name it. I prayed and prayed for release. This morning I woke up and I felt different. I felt relieved. Isn’t that so freaking odd? I felt like… Chains had been broken from my neck, my wrist, and my ankles. I felt like the world was my oyster and I could have anyone or anything in it. Why though? It dawned on me that HIM and I, this time, were over. I mean… I said somethings I can’t come back from (and don’t want to). It’s over, but what does that mean for me? I’ve spent the last ten years unable to make a strong intimate connection with a man simply because I was so into HIM. There are so many things I’ve never had the opportunity to physically and emotionally feel with a man, because I was waiting… for HIM.
Now that wait is over. Now I’ve let go of the extra baggage I unknowingly packed and carried. I now realize that what he was lacking to give me had nothing to do with me, and by taking myself out of his equation, I am now free to actually experience what it feels like to be loved. Now don’t get me wrong, he is not the devil in an angel disguise by no means. I had plenty of opportunities to move on, but didn’t. Yes, he is the one responsible for his behavior, but I didn’t have to stick around for it and I actually in fact enabled it. I feel extremely relieved to have come to terms with the error of my ways and I am really excited to see what the world has to offer me. It’s definitely NOT too late for love but I think I’ll put that on the back burner for now. I want to experience singleness without HIM on my mind 24/7/365. See how I feel with just me, myself, and I. I feel like I have a new brain to think with and new eyes to see with…