Friends + Freaking (The Nasty Kind)
Friends & dating has been a constant theme for me for the last 7 months. I often feel like “friends'' and “dating” in the same sentence creates confusion and conflict more often than not. Everyone swears that they want to be friends with their partner first. Men and women alike will both verbally agree (especially in a room full of sensible people), that they would prefer to be friends first before getting into anything serious. Everyone would agree that friendship is a great foundation to any relationship.
I realize that with dating you have to be patient. When I meet a man I don’t automatically think “oh new work”, or “I want to be with this man”. Now, I’ve come a long way because, when I used to meet attractive men I would automatically go into this vision of dating and being in a relationship. Since then I've learned that firstly, I don’t know anything about this man to know if I would want to spend more than 5 minutes alone with him. The idea of “friendship” first has become so much more attractive and SAFE for me.
I’ve mentioned two subject matters so far:
Friends and dating together creates conflict
Friendship first is more attractive and safe for me
Friends and Dating Together Creates Conflict
I don’t know about anyone else, but friendship and dating in the same situation or sentences is ALWAYS confusing for me. I’m not REALLY confused because it makes sense that there is always some bullshit taking place around the subject matter and I am clear about THAT. I’ll speak from personal experience; I will meet an attractive man and say to myself “If he enters my world I will be his friend first”. I am always clear about this and any man that has met me in the 18 months knows that I am big on friendship. I don’t have any expectation of men I meet other than he needs to respect me and my space. I don’t fantasize about a wedding or even hope that he will wife me up. We are FRIENDS.
What does being friends mean though?: for me being friends with a man means that we “hang out”, we don’t date. I pay for my outing bill and you pay for your outing bill. We are NOT intimate and we often hang out in a group setting with other friends. We bond and we get to know each other. We are supportive of each other as friends should be. We confide in one another about whatever, just like friends do. I will let a man know “hey, no pressure! We are friends and i’m not asking you for a commitment”. I am very clear about this, but there is always still an issue or conflict.
Men can’t seem to fathom the non intimacy part of the deal. Everything else sounds good, “we are friends with no commitment”, but many men associate “friends” with a woman to include sex. Now let's back up, because I am not blaming men for this predicament. Often women are told by men “I am not looking for a relationship but I still want to be friends with you or I still want to spend time with you”, women hear and go with this but let up on the no intimacy portion of the deal, and the two people end up being intimate. The man will always revert back to his earlier declaration of “he wasn’t looking for anything but friendship” BUT YOU DON’T FUCK YOUR FRIEEEENDSSSS!!! PERIOD! Once a man realizes “oh shit, she really is not about to let me smash” or that I am dead ass serious about being friends first, they stop hitting me up or slow their response time.
Pro Tip: A male friend of a friend said something wise;: Men have a timeline or time period of how long they will entertain you before they get what they want or don’t get what they want and lose interest. Hints the term GHOSTING, this is exactly what is happening here.
Friendship First is More Attractive and Safe For Me
I like the idea of friendship first because people love and sacrifice for their friends. People have a certain level of loyalty to their friends, and I want that first with a man before anything. Those elements of loving someone (not being in love), sacrifice, and loyalty are extremely attractive for me. I feel safe knowing that a man considers me a good friend because men value their friendships even sometimes more than their intimate relationships.
There is also a safety default in this as well. I like to see how long a man can be my friend first before he starts to insinuate sex or before he gets bored and reaches his timeline and disappears. Its a safety default in that no man who is only interested in sex is going to stick around for a long period of time, and good riddance!
Being friends first can never hurt but NOT being friends and going straight into intimacy can really be traumatic for some, leaving them with difficult to break soul ties. Being friends first is a great way to patiently weed out your potential future partner while keeping a good respectful and drama free relationship with the men who are not your potential future partner. The worst that you get from being friends is that you gain one more awesome friend, and that's a plus for me!
Being patient and waiting for the one looks a lot different for women than it does for men. In knowing this, i’ve listed a few awesome books
and sex toys below that can help the ladies be a little more patient and upkeep their friendships!
Books: The Alchemist
The Water Dancer
Dear G Spot - Free on Amazon
The Other Side of The Pillow - Free on Amazon
Head Bangers: An APF Sexcapade
Sex Toys:
Satisfyer Pro 2
Dolphin U Virbrator
Shibari Mini Halo